Waxing for Newbies. NEVER AGAIN

Waxing. We all do it. Well, we all tried it to say the least. I have never waxed anything except my eyebrows. I decided to try waxing something else. I bought this wax kit. I thought I HAD 3 KIDS, I GET MY EYEBROWS WAXED. I CAN HANDLE THIS.

I prepare my body the way the container said. I washed my body, dried it completely. I warmed up the wax. I go in the bathroom and pull the popsicle sticks out. OK STICK, YOU ARE GETTING WAXY. I dip it in the wax container and begin to rub it on the area that I want to wax. OOOH THIS WAX IS NICE. ITS SO WARM. I CAN DO THIS.

I get done rubbing the wax on the area and I place the cotton strip on the wax. OH YEA I GOT THIS. I CAN DO THIS. I WAS BORN READY

 

 

 

RRRRIIIIPPPPP! OH THAT WAS NOT THAT BAD! I hold up the strip to look at my accomplishment. Um, that's not a lot of hair. Did the wax melt on the strip? How does this work? I look down and there is the wax. Ok. Ok. Ok. I can do this. I put another strip on and rip again. Nothing. Hmm. Ok one more time. I put on another strip and this time my husband rips it off. OMG. SEEING STARS. IT BURNS. SHOULD IT BURN? OMG IT HURTS. SEEING STARS AGAIN.

 

I look at the strip and there is the wax. There is the hair. WHY DO WOMEN DO THIS?! I can't no more. OH MAN THERE IS MORE WAX. Ok I am going to jump in the shower and wash this off.

 

But I heard don't add water to the wax. Hm, OH WAIT. HOT WATER. HEAT WILL MAKE IT MELT SO WHY NOT USE HOT WATER. Now to remove the rest of the hair. I guess shaving it is.

 

I reach up and grab the razor. THIS IS GOING PRETTY GOOD. THE HAIR IS GOING AWAY. I THINK I GOT IT, OUCH! OMG OWIE!

 

 

The razor is stuck. OMG ITS STUCK! WTH?! HOW DO I REMOVE THIS? Rubbing alcohol. OH NO IT WILL BURN EVEN MORE. OK SOAP. I pour soap down the front and the razor is moving. its removing itself from my skin. I look at the razor to see if any hair came off. Some. Along with some wax and is that skin? OMG I AM NEVER WAXING AGAIN. THIS IS STUPID. I REFUSE TO TRY TO GET SEXY DOWN THERE AGAIN. I will deal with the stubble any day.

 

 

 

I am laying in bed and I try to move my legs to stretch them out and its sticking to my butt. My thigh is sticking to my butt. How am I going to remove this? GOOGLE. OK GOOGLE, DON'T LET ME DOWN. I NEED TO GET MY THIGH UNSTUCK FROM MY BUTT. FIND ME A SOLUTION.



 



The Santa that was a woman

Ok so here is the setting:

1995. I am a tiny 7 year old girl. Its 2 weeks before Christmas. I am sitting our dining room coloring.

My parents tell me there is a surprise at the door. I am SUPER DUPER excited!!! OH BOY! I hear  knock and they open the door. I SCREAM and JUMP up and down.

IT'S SANTA! SANTA CAME TO MY HOUSE BEFORE CHRISTMAS! AND I GET TO SEE HIM ALL BY MYSELF! (Well, with no other kids around.)

Santa had a few toys to give me and ask me what I wanted for Christmas. Probably just double checking my list. I don't have the neatest hand writing. Oops, I should really work on that before next year.

Santa sits on our couch, picks me up and sits me on his knee. He starts with his jolly, belly laugh and asks me if I have been a good girl.

Is this a trick question? No, he knows the truth. But what all does he consider bad behavior? I mean, that boy was being mean to me and deserved to be pushed. He said I could never be the pink power ranger. He obviously didn't see my pink ranger ninja outfit.

Ok I take a breath in. This is it. "OF COURSE I HAVE! ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR!"

He laughed and smiled. HE BOUGHT IT! I don't think he seen me push that boy. No way, I was to fast. NINJA FAST!

I look into Santa's eyes. I want to see that twinkle in his eye!

I gasp!! OMG! MY WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED!! ITS ALL RUINED! WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME?! I want to run away and cry.

This isn't Santa. SANTA DOESN'T WEAR MAKEUP! OMG WHAT HAPPENED!!! WHY IS HE WEARING MAKEUP?!?!?!

I swallow and look down. I look up at Santa again and swallow one more time. My mouth was getting extremely slobbery from being nervous.

"Um, why are you wearing makeup?" I am for sure going on the NAUGHTY list for this.

Santa chuckled.

"I am really Mrs. Claus. Santa is not feeling too well, but he knew how badly you wanted to see him. So I came in disguise for him."

WHEW! I wipe my forehead. I am so glad it was Mrs. Claus. I didn't want my parents to be tricked by a fake Santa.


And this is how I came to be best friends with Mrs. Claus. Yea we are BFFs.